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Hindsight is 2020 (or some BS like that)

I've always loved New Year's Eve. I've always dreamed I'd celebrate the holiday in a crowded dark room while the ball slowly drops in the most boring of ways. I would be clothed in sparkles from head to toe. When the glowing ball hit the floor, people would pop streamers and blow kazoos and slurred Happy New Year would ring in the room. I always imagined a kiss, slow and romantic.

This New Years did not amount to that. I was with my family drinking Prossecco and watching the sloshed news reporters string words together as they attempted to hold a conversation with the painfully sober Mariah Carey. It was fun - I love my family, sparkly wine, and watching drunk people - but it wasn't exactly happy either.

This last year hasn't amounted to a sparkly celebration of life. To be frank, this was one of the worst years of my life, and I'm sure others might be able to say the same. So as the ball dropped, it was hard not to be pessimistic. 2020 sucked, and the new year is just a benchmarker on how long the suck has lasted. This blog is about loss, but for once I don't particularly want to talk about it.

I stopped writing my book, but I wrote a research article on Writer Identity that is likely getting published this summer. I moved into a house. I went on a date and subsequently fell in love. I started seeing a therapist and a trauma support group. I went to a Black Lives Matter protest for the first time. I have learned a lot through Instagram and YA novels. I started watching Avatar the Last Airbender. I've even bought all the comic books. I took class in bed. I bought four fish and one frog. I started taking Tai Chi classes at Chan's Kung Fu School. I have been studying for a month now. Tai Chi is about balance. You ground your feet and let your arms flow as if moving through water.

This is my wish for the New Year, that we regain a sense of balance. I know 2021 will hardly differ from its predecessor, but I hope to balance the pain with joy. I do not expect things to turn around, but I expect to heal, read, learn, and more. And most importantly I hope to wear a sparkly dress and earn my purple belt.

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