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My Marbles

I am a consultant at my University's rhetoric center. I rarely sit on the other side of the conversation, but when I realized an un-started application was due in four hours, I signed myself up for a session. The application was for a research position with one of my linguistics professors evaluating what factors influence people claiming The Writer Identity (big scary thunder rings in the background).

I began by talking loudly about my personal struggles with The Writer Identity. I know first hand how societal structures influence the decision to claim this title (queue more scary thunder). I soon began waving my arms around and yelling about why we need more writers. That stories shape the world. That rhetoric instigates change. That what we say matters.

Me crying before I finished the first draft of my novel

But before I get too carried away, I want to bring myself back to reality. Because as writing matters to the world, it matters to the individual -- to me. As I have mentioned, I am currently trying to tackle the beast of writing a young adult novel (once again, thunder roars).

A week ago, I finished my first draft.

When I sat down to work that night, I suddenly realized that I was writing the end. I found it. I didn't create it. I found it. But the end my characters showed me was not neat.

But my life is not neat. And I would put money on the fact that yours isn't either.

I saw this when I was driving home late at night scream-singing to Julien Baker, letting my mind enfold into her devastating words. That I, a writer, can not be written into a box. I, a writer, can not tie off every loose end. I, a writer, can not explain why my life is unfolding the way that it is. But once again, I am a writer, and the most beautiful thing is that now the writing leads me. Every time I speak words at the screen I get lost and confused and turned around and then it happens; I find something

It's good to lose your mind. I'm glad I've lost my marbles.

The marbles shouldn't always be calling the shots.

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